2015

My resolution in 2014:
1) Still 42 km full marathon. I won't give up this!
2) Give my very best to do well in study but not for the grade but to be a good doctor! (of course, USMLE should be done well as well).
3) Cannot stop learning guitar.
4) Be positive!

Out of the 4 main goals in 2014, I think I had reached what I set. 
2014 is a disaster year for Malaysia. More positive energy and love are needed for the country and also the world.
More than what I get from the goals, I think I am more steady and mature than the last younger me but at the same time I need more genuineness to face the real world.

My wishes for the coming new year:
1) All my family members are healthy and happy in their daily lives.
2) All friends and people around are doing well.
3) More positive and good news from the world.

My resolution in 2015:
1) Treat the patients better and continue to improve my clinical skills. Don't be demotivated no matter how bad the situation is. Improve my English by learning a new word each day.
2) Join the stroke support group once per month.
3) Learn to play 3 new songs for my guitar.
4) Continue my marathon training (at least once per week). If there is chance to join 50km, do it!
5) Go travel (at least one country).
6) Always reflect myself.
7) Be positive!

Welcome 2015!

End of Surgery Clerkship

What can happen in 2 months? Days in days out, hustle bustle, sun rise sun down, and time flies.

The first 2 months of clinical daily lives are spinning my head and I don't even have a time to have a mind rest. Studies, patients, exams occupied the whole brain.

However, the perspectives and feelings toward medicine also changed. 

The eventful clerkship is beyond words.

The first time I touch the real patient.

The first time I talk with the real patient and their families.

The first time I witness the real busy clinical setting.

The first time I feel life is so fragile.

The first time .....many of my first.

Nights can be terribly busy in emergency. People just have different reasons, different problems and happening nights.

I still remembered a crying old woman hold my hands and asked me what happen to her husband in ED. 

I still remember how people laughing in front of a dying man while doing CPR. 

I still remember the dilated pupils when I shone through it.

I still remember how frustrated I am.

I will never forget how many times I fail in venipuncture but the patients are still willing to let me try. 

First time, I feel the miracle after seeing the flat line having the signs of life by showing heart beats in the monitor after countless cycles of CPR until I was hypotensive and almost fainted. 

I will never forget the moment I saw a helpless man fell down from the high floor in front of me.

I was shocked but more my heart broke with the scene. No pulse, irregular breathing, the chaotic surrounding, life how can you be so fragile?

I will never forget on the autopsy table, the two cases of sudden death. Death, seems like can be in the next second.

To all the cancer fighters I meet in the wards, you all are really amazing. You teach me how precious the life is, you teach me how miracle can be with positive power.

To the first terminal-ill patient I take care, L, I will never forget you. From the first day you admitted until I see how happy you are while being discharged, my emotion waves with your condition. I don't know how many days remained but I hope the quality of your life will be superb and you did affect my lives in positive way. We may not meet in the future, but I will remember you always.

Nenek, you are just so strong! I like seeing you every morning and checked your wound sites and talking with you though most of the time you told me you forget what happen before. 

To all the patients I meet, thank you so much, there will be no better teacher as you. You are willing to talk with me, let me practise and brush up my clinical skills while you are in pain, in distress.

I will continue the spirit and do my very best to take care of the patients. Everyone lying on the hospital's beds is always somebody else's loved one, families and friends. They have their stories, futures and things to learn from. 

Thanks for everything.

Life goes on!! Love life and enjoy the hurdles. There will be no rainbow without raining :)

医院游走 小感想

如果说念书是痛苦的，压力的，前途好像不那么明确，考试像过万重山，面对激烈的竞争，时时学习如何与不同人相处；在医院游走了几个星期，尽管是多么难念，多么压力，每当看见病人身上插了不知几次的血管，小小年纪的病人，image study 上的肿瘤，所谓的“压力，痛苦”就会变得微不足道。

生命如此脆弱却又那么坚强。

If I said studying is torturing, depressing, stressful with uncertain future;countless endless exams with intensive competition, always need to learn to work with different kinds of people; After few weeks wandering in the hospital, despite how stressful how hard the study is, the countless venipuncture on the patients' fragile blood vessels, the young-aged patients, the tumors on the image studies, the pain making the "stressful and torturing study" becomes so trivial and tiny.

Life is so fragile yet so strong.

幸福

幸福不需要轰轰烈烈
越是平淡越是扎实
越经时间的考验

很多时候
人与人之间的情感
就是在平淡之中建立
而这份情感
那么简单，也那么窝心
一种会心一笑的感觉

听过看过担心过那么多事以后，
幸福是当身边的人都健康平安。
照顾好自己也是给人最幸福的最扎实的最实际的礼物。

我是幸福的，也一直希望身边的人也一起幸福，因为那样我才会幸福。
在困难的时候，有肩膀，有勇气！！

全世界加油！！！

Chapter 2.4 Transition

USMLE step 1 was over. Now is the transition from sitting in a classroom to rounding the wards and talking to the real patients. I wait for this for so long as it is always easy to doze off in the class though medical fundamental is important.

OK, I have been having TTW for 1 week but why do I choose to write today?
There is something strikes me today!

Dr Jul keeps repeating one sentence that strikes me:
What if the patient is your father/family, would you still hesitate to talk to the terrifying nurse? Would you want some quick pain regimen for your father who is moaning and crying over the pain?
WHAT IF THE PATIENT IS YOUR FAMILY? (And I think she repeats several times as try to explain/emphasize the point to us or remove our doubts in our discussion and try to make it easy to understand.)

She reminds me to treat the patient as our family. In some points, I almost forget this and she reminds me with repetition.

Other side notes:
S: Situation
B: Background
(More on observation)
A: Assessment (The interpretation of the observation)
R: recommendation

Don't be afraid to speak up for truth and for the best sake of the patient.
What will be the worst? It just didn't get right or may be just being scolded or feeling pretty uncomfortable for us. But, it may be very harmful to the patient if we didn't speak up if something doesn't feel so right.
From Dr Jul whom I like so much. A very energetic, lively, cute Dr!!

I am glad! :)

Go!KinLuoi!

随想

枯藤老树昏鸦，小桥流水人家，古道西风瘦马，夕阳西下，断肠人在天涯。
做了那么多年的异客，觉得这名句，写得太好了。

虽然也有不顺境的事，抬头望望天空，又会觉得变得微不足道。一个人的世界有多大？是大得只容得下自己，还是大得只容得下多几个人呢？

面对无法控制的事，有时除了无奈，就以事不关己来让自己好过一点。毕竟做自己能做的，才能向前，也少了一点唉声叹气，少了埋怨，少了对他人的不满。需要经过多少事学的才是善解包容，而不是冷漠呢？

生活没有完全的苦也没有完全的甜。甜是持续的动力，苦是成长的必需品，缺一不可。

Chapter 2.3 Exam

What I want to achieve in this so-called the most important exam, one of the most difficult exam in the world are:

1. Learn how to balance my life. A student's life is not only about knowledge, about exams, about scores and about how to make the future CV looked more impressive.

2. Learn how to strengthen and motivate myself. Learn how to convert the demotivating feelings into a strength.

3. Enjoy the excitement when knowing something or understanding something through the discussion with friends.

4. Cherish the moment when there are friends go through the hardship with me. We share the stress, we encourage each other, we speak out our mind and we try to settle all the problems together.

5. I don't want to let me have a chance to regret no matter how's the result. I want to do my best, do all what I can.

The result may be the most important outcome, but I think this exam expects more than that. It's not only testing the medical knowledge but also a student's mental strength and determination. An appropriate attitude that a future doctor should have.

Life is hard, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Too much of bad news recently. The losing MH370, the sinking Korea cruise ship, the departure of Karpal Singh. They are all very discouraging. Praying is the only thing that I can do and hope is always the one that keeps me going.

I registered 42km for this year Standard Chartered Marathon. And I run for everyone who doesn't give up their dreams and always want to make this world a better world.

GoGo KinLuoi!!!

Chapter 2.2 Balance. Pause.

USMLE is approaching. Nervous is ordinary. Calmness should be worried.
I don't want to have academic bulimia. I don't want to just study for exam.
As I walk longer in the pathway, I scared I forget the the very first reason of my determination of studying medicine.
Looking all the patients who came in and shared their illness with us in the class, the courtesy is beyond return.
I scared, as I walk longer in the pathway, I forget to treat a patient as a whole.
I scared, I cannot reason out the patient's chief complaint.
I scared, I forget all the physiology and basic science which is the medicine very important fundamentals.
I scared, I cannot be a good doctor.
Yes, I am scared.

As I run alone in a half marathon in March. I felt bored.
I suddenly cannot enjoy the running feel, the feel which people around run together with you.
I ended up following a very old man all the way until 20 km.
He was determined. Keep looking at his watch. Trying to reach the finishing line within the targeted time.
I tried to get the running spirit from him.
He was the only motivation in my run.

Days in, days out. There are some times we suddenly forget to think.
I don't want to be a live machine.

So, balance is important:
Nervous vs calmness
Exam vs study for knowledge
Fear vs courage
Working hard vs resting

Pause. Stopping for awhile and starting again refreshingly!

Go!Kin Luoi!

Cross over the line

There are some time I wish I could cross the line and tell anything I want to say.
But, the reality is it's hard.
Sometimes, I wish the time would stop and give me a little time to drown myself in sadness, in grief, in disappointment, to cry out loud and to adjust myself.
But, the reality is it never stops. Things around you need you to move on.
"Time flies", I suddenly understand why it flies. May be I should appreciate it.
The non-stop tick-tock in the clock tells me that life moves on. Everything is moving on.
Therefore, don't be trapped in the past, get over the circumstances and keep going on.
Time does not wait, so don't be trapped so long, don't waste time.

I wish to cross over the line but I refrain.
I could not find a better way to handle the possible consequences.
And, I don't want to handle.
If there is a line which I can safely cross, then I would.
But, there is no such line.
This is not an adventure it does not depend on courage.
I don't know.

I got thing that I don't  know how to handle.
I don't know.
One of my resolution in 2014 is to be positive.
I certainly will be.
There is something I need to get over
and I really need to.

I really don't know. Escaping is a good choice before we know exactly how to handle it. Sounds lame.

Time is a healer but also a reminder, remind you tomorrow is always a chance to be better
so don't be trapped in today.

Long sleep can have a better me.
Goodnite.

2014

My resolution in 2013:
1) Jogging at least 3 days per week and join the 42km full marathon.
2)Learning guitar.
3) Study for knowledge not for the exam n grade dun be naive anymore.


The very first goal failed as I did not jog 3 days per week and 42 km marathon. However, I did try my very best to jog at least once a week. Though I did not achieve full marathon however I did join 7 runs in 2013. Ya, I did learn guitar and at least can play some songs and just need more time to practise!! I really enjoyed my time in lectures as if I know more and more and become better and better.

2013 is not as good as I anticipated before. However, it was a year of learning be it in academy or relationship. Just be grateful for everything.

My new goals in 2014:
1) Still 42 km full marathon. I won't give up this!
2) Give my very best to do well in study but not for the grade but to be a good doctor! (of course, USMLE should be done well as well).
3) Cannot stop learning guitar.
4) Be positive!

2014, here I come!!!
Go! KinLuoi!!