Wednesday, January 17, 2024

突然想起这个blog

读着年轻时写的字句,虽然现在也没很老,真的要很谢谢当时的自己,总是那么积极,那么坚持。当时的自己希望现在的我总能用新的角度看待这个世界,不要当个入世已深,总说些成年话给年轻人的大人,原来这个希望那么有挑战。

因为看见了很多根本没有公平的事,看见很多总是和常理相反却成了世道的常态的事,要找个新的角度去分析,去化解自己的不解,大概需要一点无敌的内力。

2023年对我来说是个教我如何失去的一年,让我惊觉,如果青春的成长是一个获得的过程,那么长大后的成人世界是一个不断失去的过程而且还比较久。还在长大的时候,认识新的朋友,体验很多的第一次,喜欢很多人,感受什么叫第一次心跳到不受控,去很多地方,感受很多不同的经验,一直学一直看一直感受。相反的,长大后,学习和朋友一个一个道别,学习和家人说再见,学习原来很多东西都会慢慢离自己远去,原来需要学习如何自己一个人去面对自己的生活和挑战。因为没有自己一个人过,原来这就是成人世界。可是在失去的过程中一直都会有漂亮的风景,善良的人,只要自己学着在失去中去感受。我还有点无法适应啊!!

偶尔心空空的,在想到底要如何好好把这人生过好啊,怎么那么难。还是好好准备考试,希望今年对我好一点。

拍拍自己的肩膀,加油!!

Sunday, April 26, 2020

What does it matter in the end?

"Being Mortal" is a book recommended by my friend who is also working in hospital.
Sometimes it seems like losing the purposes of working after a longer period.
I am not sure am I doing a right way or may be just doing for the sake of doing.
For sure right now, I am quenching for an inspiring mentor who I didnt find any in recent years.
May be is time to think how to reach it.

By the way, while reading the book all the predicament or the scenarios are encountered in my everyday lives, and it may someday happen to us.

I keep thinking what will I do or how should I do if I were in the stories.

As a records, there are some lines I would like to pen down :

-How to make live with living when we are at our weakest and most fragile and can't fend ourselves.

-If life designed to be safe but empty of anything else.

-We all seek a cause beyond ourselves. Beyond mere existence.

-You sit down, you make time. You are not determining whether they want treatment  X versus Y. You are trying to learn what's most important to them under circumstances-so that you can provide information and advice on the approach that gives them their best chance of achieving it.This process require as much listening as talking.
The words you use matter.
You shouldn't say "I am sorry things turned out this way." You should say " I wish things were different."You don't ask" what do you want when you are dying?", you ask, " If time becomes short, what is most important to you?"

-Our most cruel failure in how we treat the sick and the aged is the failure to recognize that they have priorities beyond merely being safe and living longer. 

- We think our job is to ensure health and survival, but really it is larger than that.It is to enable well-being and  well-being is about the reasons one wishes to be alive. Those reasons matter not just at the end of life, or when debility comes, but all along the way.

-Whenever serious illness or injury strikes and your body and mind breaks down, the vital questions are the same: What is your understanding of the situation and its potential outcomes? What are your fears and what are your hopes? What are the trade-offs you are willing to make and not willing to make? And what is the course of action the best serves this understanding?

-Peak-end rules, we remember the peak and the end makes the overall experience changed. That's why ending is important.

Reading a nice book is satisfying!!

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Time forwards to 2019

After a busy-no-time-to-think period, I open my blog realising that it's been 1 year I never update myself about myself!

2018 is a year I became hearing aid assistant, teacher and being a houseman. A year scholarship stopped credited into my account, a year people around telling you about financial planning, finding a husband, paying income tax. Also a year meeting a lot of new faces from different backgrounds

I am much slower than my fellow peers in stepping into society.

How has it been?

I think no difference.
Just I am more calm than before.
Walk slower than before but definitely not during saving a life
Appreciate the day-dreaming time or being idle, it's such a great gift given at the end of the day.
I don't set resolutions anymore.

2019
I traveled to Laos and Bali
I am more experienced in exploring new place
I enjoy not going to tourist place but focus on time spent with my travelling partners

My clinical skills improved, but knowledge wise still need to be brushed up
I complete ALS course today. It's fun and I am grateful that I have a friend strive hard together with me.

"What would you see yourself in the coming 5 years?"

I don't know. I just know that be the best me today and it will be great in 5 years.
Life is unpredictable and the constant is changing.

My new interest in my early thirties is Yoga. It brings me peace and I am going to start my lesson this month!!

Go! Kin Luoi!


Sunday, December 31, 2017

Bye and thank you 2017

Dear 2017 Kin Luoi,

I want to say thank you as you have gone through a challenging year with laughs, being less bitter. The greatest lesson you teach the future me is dancing in the rain. Observe every little thing around, see things from 360 degree, trying to express your feeling as much as you can and being genuine to myself.

I even want to express my deepest gratitude as you find me 2 lifetime best friends who accompany me through ups and downs. Sharing and bitching about everything. Lead me to new things and new friends.

I want to say you have shown me a great example by accepting the dark and bright me.

This amazing 2017 Kin Luoi wouldn't be able to be a better her and go through her year without great supports from her loving family members (the parents, the sisters, brothers and cute little nephews and nieces) and her whole bunch of lifetime good friends whose nonsense, daily grudges, jokes and advice are the magic drugs that heal an exhausted soul. All the mentors she met shared her the life experience and great teaching and showering her with great cares.

Life does not have to be cmplicated. Only 4 things we need: something to do, someone to love, something to dream and something to hope for.

And listen to your patients for they will become your best teachers. Take care of yourselves so that you can care for others.

She finished her big exam, travel with new her and climb a high mountain.

All these experience are just too amazing by words of description.

Until the very last day, I am being grateful to who I am and who is around me.

2018, I want to let go and be more opened.

My 2018 resolution is no resolution, expect nothing.
But I did really want to climb Pinnacles hahaha

Thank you 2017 Kin Luoi
谢谢你2017年的庆蕾,辛苦了!

全世界加油!


Tuesday, October 24, 2017

A journey of a refugee

I came across this book [Nujeen] when I tried to kill time during my lunch break in a bookstore.

Fleeing from wars is surprisingly a common scene nowadays.

This girl escaped from her shattered home on a wheel chair with underlying cerebral palsy which is unbelievable.

She is blessed to have a dedicated sister who took care of her throughout the journey and brothers who financially supported the whole family for the flee.

The emotion, the fear and the stories from the other refugees were the highlights.

It depicts how war can destroy its people, its country due to the fights which actually just between a few dictators who spent million of lives to "win" over the battle.

It depicts how the other countries' response on the refugee crisis.
The fence walls were built higher and higher.
More and more rules to prevent the gash of refugee coming in.
How did it boost up the economy for the smugglers.
What did the refugee pay for their safety.

Nujeen is a very bright girl who is confined on a wheel chair but not her mind. She learnt all the things, history, English, science, common senses from TV. She learnt about the world from TV until she departed on her refugee journey.

Refugee is not a number but a human being.
She was jailed in a prison and that's the time she realized how important freedom is.

Freedom that I enjoy today is not free.
Nothing comes in free. It pays to get it.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

A book that I want to read it a second time or more

It's been such a long time I didn't pen down my review of a book. Reading a book which can grip your heart the whole time is such a blessing that you want to finish it but you don't want to say goodbye so soon. The emptiness that followed push you to look for another great book.

I first came across with the author, Dr Kalanithi's powerful writing was in about 2016 when the title of its article caught me " My last day as a Surgeon". By only reading the title, I felt the heaviness. Until the last word in the article, I search for more for his story because of the inadequacy, I want to read more. By chance, Bill Gates posted his review of  "When Breath Becomes Air" written by Dr Kalanithi and made a strong recommendation. It's thrilled to know that he wrote a book! His book comes to me at a right time as I am quenching for motivation in my lost way of my journey to pursue to become a doctor. Moving on either fast or slow makes us closer to the destination, being stagnant is something I don't know how should I proceed.

I relish every single word in this book being afraid to miss any tiny little stories or messages that the author wanted to convey. He is a man who used all of his life to understand the life and death which brought him to English literature, human biology, to medicine, to neuroscience, to neurosurgery. His experience as a doctor plunged me into another deeper level of reflection of the reasons of being a doctor. Newer perspectives in daily lives. He exemplified the calmness, the perseverance, the attitude to keep going even in front of death.

I paused for a very long time and I felt deeply disheartening when I read the last sentence of the prologue "the culmination of decades of striving, evaporated". I have similar feeling in certain point of my life, but I knew I am going to learn from Dr Kalanithi by reading his story in what kinds of attitude we should hold when we think about life.

Time and hopes are tricky. There is always a saying we should live the life to fullest as if it is our last day. Motivated. But, it would make a difference by how did you spend by given a different amount of money: RM1000, RM100, RM10, it makes a difference on what kinds of thing you would buy. I think this goes same with the time. We do not know when did our death come, so we assume we have RM1000 in our pocket. And one day, let say if terminal illness struck on us, the RM1000 could be lesser, or the same. It makes you realize, put you into the reality that your money is going to finish soon but there is no guarantee. Uncertainty unveils. Plan seems unnecessary but also indispensable.

After finish reading the book, I have a thought. It seems like the purpose of life is to prepare us to face death in peace. The better the preparation, the more peaceful you are. We pursue dreams, we cherish the love, kindness, blessings we have, the contribution, the impact we wish to make in the world are for our death preparation so that we would not be fretful to say goodbye to this world.

Dr Kalanithi said to his wife " I am ready" on his few last days.

There are a few sentences I want to keep here from the book which they hit me right into my heart:
-Nobokov: how our suffering can make us callous to the obvious suffering of another.
-Cadaver dissection epitomizes, for many, the transformation of the somber, respectful student into the callous, arrogant doctor.
-Putting lifestyle first is how how you find a job, not a calling
-As a resident, my highest ideal was not saving lives-everyone dies eventually-but guiding a patient or family to an understanding of death or illness.
-The physician's duty is not to stave off death or return patient to their old lives, but to take into our arms a patient and family whose lives disintegrated and work until they can stand back up and face, and make sense of, their own existence.
-Graham Greene: Life was lived in the first 20 years and the remainder was just reflection.

I am blessed to have met this book.

Monday, March 6, 2017

空窗

因为在空窗期,所以比较会静下来思考吧!
为了梦想,所以很努力地在准备考试,很努力的耐心等待
如果说最难受的感觉是什么,那就是无限期等待,该继续保持希望还是就这样算了
心里不断地问自己,应该没有问题吧,一切会过去,对吧,对吧?对吧?
然后又告诉自己可以的
这样不断地循环
然后隔天醒来,生活会告诉你,不用想那么多,做就对了

来到熟女时期,常常会问自己如果把我所有会的东西丢掉,我还剩什么?我又能做什么?
有没有一种社会定律会要求什么年龄该做什么事?
身边很多朋友都结婚生孩子了
对我来说,一旦有家庭,大概人生就进入稳定期,接下来就是很幸福稳定地生活
围绕着的不就是家庭人际关系相处,孩子,家庭规划,偶尔谈论下工作
大概接下来的几十年都是那么地在预期范围里
因此,青春才那么珍贵,因为那么地无法预期与精彩
我不想那么稳定却也觉得平淡幸福的踏实感很不错
所以突然觉得有点迷失,也觉得自己很贪心,想那么地无法预期也想有平凡的幸福

不管如何
我喜欢人与人之间的机遇
有一天突然觉得
如果只是专注地医病,大概工作会很沉闷
如果是医人,那每天都会有很多无法预期的事发生,医院就像人生图书馆
什么书都有,认真去阅读每一本和我有缘的书,真的很不错
每份工作,我发现如果把专注力都放在与人的机遇上,大概都会很有动力
老师专注教育学生,可以改变很多故事结果
歌手唱歌是为了温暖人心,会有很多感动作品
演员演戏为了启发观众,会激起很大的涟漪
银行职员为了好好帮大众管理钱财,会意想不到地帮助很多人

我希望自己继续保持一个很新鲜的角度来看这个世界
不想做个入世很深或久了的成年人,然后对年轻人说出一些成年旧句

到了这年龄,我的未来还非常地不稳定
感觉还在找一个答案
只想对自己说,加油,相信就会有答案!
We can be tough and scared at the same time, can't we?

Proof is easy, faith is a hard damn work.