关于努力运气结果和公平

最近整幅心思都在准备考试这件事上，是一个在职业生涯很重要的考试，也可以说让我有点想放弃的一个考试，第一次准备考试准备得那么不上手，即使一直研究，一直了解，还是无法了解该如何提高过关的几率。总结有太多的因素那就是需要天时地利人和，大致上就可以帮助过关，可是都是在控制范围以外。能够做的也只是尽最大的努力让自己更加熟练，虽然每次总有遗漏的地方。结果重要吗？很重要，因为自己有想放弃的想法，放弃继续在这个我努力了那么多年的领域发展。不是冲动的想法，而是认真地在考虑，也一直为自己做转换跑道的心理准备。其实，原来放弃比坚持还难，一样不容易。我接受事不尽人意，接受努力不一定有结果，所以一直在思考对于自己最重要的是什么，我想要做个怎样的自己。今天的预考表现很不好，心情很糟糕，因为我真的尽力了，为什么还是表现不好。很感激身边有一直一起扶持的战友，也有一直默默在为我加油的家人朋友。可是，我一直都觉得需要做最坏的打算，至少如果最坏的结果发生，我也有个决定，然后继续往前走吧。

这个世界就是来体验的，体验千万种滋味。

剩下一个星期冲刺的时间，加油吧！！

我也不懂在坚持什么

来到事业的另外一个阶段，原来迎接的是面对身边的战友同事一个一个往不同方向从我的生活渐渐离开，尤其在这个离职潮超级无敌高的时期。其实自己也想不出几个继续呆在这个系统的好处除了在专业上有机会继续精进，除此之外真的没有多余的好处，然后坏处我可以清楚的一一例出来。我也不清楚就算千辛万苦到达事业顶端，我会开心吗，值得吗，还是会更加模糊自己的初衷，或是会拍拍自己的胸口说还好我坚持下来。一直挣扎着是否该放弃去邻国的机会，想爆脑一个多月，也做不出选择，只因和偶像的长谈，偶像的一句莫忘初衷，不要放弃，再加上一个我千百年没看过的长文讯息分享自己如何渡过低潮期，就决定继续忍下去！然后我也不懂自己的初衷是什么了，反正应该随着年龄都会变吧！我也不懂是自己不敢不想还是真的那么不喜欢去大家都向往的国外， 毕竟之前也放弃了去美国的机会虽然真的没有后悔没去，还是其实是自己了解自己或是其实是害怕而一直呆在这个国土。

这一年，和我最好的几个战友都转换跑道，离职的离职，换部门的换部门突换人生目标，只剩下屈指可数的几位每天互相吐洋葱的同事，这条路还很长可是越走人潮越稀薄，怎会那么孤单的。。。。看着从实习时期的照片讯息一直到现在，原来当初水深火热的生活因为有很多很好的队友，才能不知不觉撑到了现在。可是，大家都渐渐离开，系统又快垮了，伤感的感觉就油然而生。我也不懂我在坚持什么，就目前还无法坚毅地离开。

虽然看着身边从菜鸟医生到现在一起经历医院零零总总的高潮迭起，一起议论医院令人乍舌的八卦，一起吐槽上司下属，值了夜班忍不住要一起发泄怒气的战友们一个一个离开，感觉很舍不得，但这就是生活，一直变才是不变的道理，人总得往前才行。

祝福曾经陪我一起在这条神经病的职业轨道奋斗的战友同事朋友们，希望10年后的我们都感谢现在的自己，拍拍自己的肩旁，辛苦了！

继续享受接下来一直在变的风景吧！！

突然想起这个blog

读着年轻时写的字句，虽然现在也没很老，真的要很谢谢当时的自己，总是那么积极，那么坚持。当时的自己希望现在的我总能用新的角度看待这个世界，不要当个入世已深，总说些成年话给年轻人的大人，原来这个希望那么有挑战。

因为看见了很多根本没有公平的事，看见很多总是和常理相反却成了世道的常态的事，要找个新的角度去分析，去化解自己的不解，大概需要一点无敌的内力。

2023年对我来说是个教我如何失去的一年，让我惊觉，如果青春的成长是一个获得的过程，那么长大后的成人世界是一个不断失去的过程而且还比较久。还在长大的时候，认识新的朋友，体验很多的第一次，喜欢很多人，感受什么叫第一次心跳到不受控，去很多地方，感受很多不同的经验，一直学一直看一直感受。相反的，长大后，学习和朋友一个一个道别，学习和家人说再见，学习原来很多东西都会慢慢离自己远去，原来需要学习如何自己一个人去面对自己的生活和挑战。因为没有自己一个人过，原来这就是成人世界。可是在失去的过程中一直都会有漂亮的风景，善良的人，只要自己学着在失去中去感受。我还有点无法适应啊！！

偶尔心空空的，在想到底要如何好好把这人生过好啊，怎么那么难。还是好好准备考试，希望今年对我好一点。

拍拍自己的肩膀，加油！！

What does it matter in the end?

"Being Mortal" is a book recommended by my friend who is also working in hospital.

Sometimes it seems like losing the purposes of working after a longer period.

I am not sure am I doing a right way or may be just doing for the sake of doing.

For sure right now, I am quenching for an inspiring mentor who I didnt find any in recent years.

May be is time to think how to reach it.

By the way, while reading the book all the predicament or the scenarios are encountered in my everyday lives, and it may someday happen to us.

I keep thinking what will I do or how should I do if I were in the stories.

As a records, there are some lines I would like to pen down :

-How to make live with living when we are at our weakest and most fragile and can't fend ourselves.

-If life designed to be safe but empty of anything else.

-We all seek a cause beyond ourselves. Beyond mere existence.

-You sit down, you make time. You are not determining whether they want treatment  X versus Y. You are trying to learn what's most important to them under circumstances-so that you can provide information and advice on the approach that gives them their best chance of achieving it.This process require as much listening as talking.

The words you use matter.

You shouldn't say "I am sorry things turned out this way." You should say " I wish things were different."You don't ask" what do you want when you are dying?", you ask, " If time becomes short, what is most important to you?"

-Our most cruel failure in how we treat the sick and the aged is the failure to recognize that they have priorities beyond merely being safe and living longer. 

- We think our job is to ensure health and survival, but really it is larger than that.It is to enable well-being and  well-being is about the reasons one wishes to be alive. Those reasons matter not just at the end of life, or when debility comes, but all along the way.

-Whenever serious illness or injury strikes and your body and mind breaks down, the vital questions are the same: What is your understanding of the situation and its potential outcomes? What are your fears and what are your hopes? What are the trade-offs you are willing to make and not willing to make? And what is the course of action the best serves this understanding?

-Peak-end rules, we remember the peak and the end makes the overall experience changed. That's why ending is important.

Reading a nice book is satisfying!!

Time forwards to 2019

After a busy-no-time-to-think period, I open my blog realising that it's been 1 year I never update myself about myself!

2018 is a year I became hearing aid assistant, teacher and being a houseman. A year scholarship stopped credited into my account, a year people around telling you about financial planning, finding a husband, paying income tax. Also a year meeting a lot of new faces from different backgrounds

I am much slower than my fellow peers in stepping into society.

How has it been?

I think no difference.
Just I am more calm than before.
Walk slower than before but definitely not during saving a life
Appreciate the day-dreaming time or being idle, it's such a great gift given at the end of the day.
I don't set resolutions anymore.

2019
I traveled to Laos and Bali
I am more experienced in exploring new place
I enjoy not going to tourist place but focus on time spent with my travelling partners

My clinical skills improved, but knowledge wise still need to be brushed up
I complete ALS course today. It's fun and I am grateful that I have a friend strive hard together with me.

"What would you see yourself in the coming 5 years?"

I don't know. I just know that be the best me today and it will be great in 5 years.
Life is unpredictable and the constant is changing.

My new interest in my early thirties is Yoga. It brings me peace and I am going to start my lesson this month!!

Go! Kin Luoi!

Bye and thank you 2017

Dear 2017 Kin Luoi,

I want to say thank you as you have gone through a challenging year with laughs, being less bitter. The greatest lesson you teach the future me is dancing in the rain. Observe every little thing around, see things from 360 degree, trying to express your feeling as much as you can and being genuine to myself.

I even want to express my deepest gratitude as you find me 2 lifetime best friends who accompany me through ups and downs. Sharing and bitching about everything. Lead me to new things and new friends.

I want to say you have shown me a great example by accepting the dark and bright me.

This amazing 2017 Kin Luoi wouldn't be able to be a better her and go through her year without great supports from her loving family members (the parents, the sisters, brothers and cute little nephews and nieces) and her whole bunch of lifetime good friends whose nonsense, daily grudges, jokes and advice are the magic drugs that heal an exhausted soul. All the mentors she met shared her the life experience and great teaching and showering her with great cares.

Life does not have to be cmplicated. Only 4 things we need: something to do, someone to love, something to dream and something to hope for.

And listen to your patients for they will become your best teachers. Take care of yourselves so that you can care for others.

She finished her big exam, travel with new her and climb a high mountain.

All these experience are just too amazing by words of description.

Until the very last day, I am being grateful to who I am and who is around me.

2018, I want to let go and be more opened.

My 2018 resolution is no resolution, expect nothing.
But I did really want to climb Pinnacles hahaha

Thank you 2017 Kin Luoi
谢谢你2017年的庆蕾，辛苦了！

全世界加油！

A journey of a refugee

I came across this book [Nujeen] when I tried to kill time during my lunch break in a bookstore.

Fleeing from wars is surprisingly a common scene nowadays.

This girl escaped from her shattered home on a wheel chair with underlying cerebral palsy which is unbelievable.

She is blessed to have a dedicated sister who took care of her throughout the journey and brothers who financially supported the whole family for the flee.

The emotion, the fear and the stories from the other refugees were the highlights.

It depicts how war can destroy its people, its country due to the fights which actually just between a few dictators who spent million of lives to "win" over the battle.

It depicts how the other countries' response on the refugee crisis.
The fence walls were built higher and higher.
More and more rules to prevent the gash of refugee coming in.
How did it boost up the economy for the smugglers.
What did the refugee pay for their safety.

Nujeen is a very bright girl who is confined on a wheel chair but not her mind. She learnt all the things, history, English, science, common senses from TV. She learnt about the world from TV until she departed on her refugee journey.

Refugee is not a number but a human being.
She was jailed in a prison and that's the time she realized how important freedom is.

Freedom that I enjoy today is not free.
Nothing comes in free. It pays to get it.

A book that I want to read it a second time or more

It's been such a long time I didn't pen down my review of a book. Reading a book which can grip your heart the whole time is such a blessing that you want to finish it but you don't want to say goodbye so soon. The emptiness that followed push you to look for another great book.

I first came across with the author, Dr Kalanithi's powerful writing was in about 2016 when the title of its article caught me " My last day as a Surgeon". By only reading the title, I felt the heaviness. Until the last word in the article, I search for more for his story because of the inadequacy, I want to read more. By chance, Bill Gates posted his review of  "When Breath Becomes Air" written by Dr Kalanithi and made a strong recommendation. It's thrilled to know that he wrote a book! His book comes to me at a right time as I am quenching for motivation in my lost way of my journey to pursue to become a doctor. Moving on either fast or slow makes us closer to the destination, being stagnant is something I don't know how should I proceed.

I relish every single word in this book being afraid to miss any tiny little stories or messages that the author wanted to convey. He is a man who used all of his life to understand the life and death which brought him to English literature, human biology, to medicine, to neuroscience, to neurosurgery. His experience as a doctor plunged me into another deeper level of reflection of the reasons of being a doctor. Newer perspectives in daily lives. He exemplified the calmness, the perseverance, the attitude to keep going even in front of death.

I paused for a very long time and I felt deeply disheartening when I read the last sentence of the prologue "the culmination of decades of striving, evaporated". I have similar feeling in certain point of my life, but I knew I am going to learn from Dr Kalanithi by reading his story in what kinds of attitude we should hold when we think about life.

Time and hopes are tricky. There is always a saying we should live the life to fullest as if it is our last day. Motivated. But, it would make a difference by how did you spend by given a different amount of money: RM1000, RM100, RM10, it makes a difference on what kinds of thing you would buy. I think this goes same with the time. We do not know when did our death come, so we assume we have RM1000 in our pocket. And one day, let say if terminal illness struck on us, the RM1000 could be lesser, or the same. It makes you realize, put you into the reality that your money is going to finish soon but there is no guarantee. Uncertainty unveils. Plan seems unnecessary but also indispensable.

After finish reading the book, I have a thought. It seems like the purpose of life is to prepare us to face death in peace. The better the preparation, the more peaceful you are. We pursue dreams, we cherish the love, kindness, blessings we have, the contribution, the impact we wish to make in the world are for our death preparation so that we would not be fretful to say goodbye to this world.

Dr Kalanithi said to his wife " I am ready" on his few last days.

There are a few sentences I want to keep here from the book which they hit me right into my heart:
-Nobokov: how our suffering can make us callous to the obvious suffering of another.
-Cadaver dissection epitomizes, for many, the transformation of the somber, respectful student into the callous, arrogant doctor.
-Putting lifestyle first is how how you find a job, not a calling
-As a resident, my highest ideal was not saving lives-everyone dies eventually-but guiding a patient or family to an understanding of death or illness.
-The physician's duty is not to stave off death or return patient to their old lives, but to take into our arms a patient and family whose lives disintegrated and work until they can stand back up and face, and make sense of, their own existence.
-Graham Greene: Life was lived in the first 20 years and the remainder was just reflection.

I am blessed to have met this book.

空窗

因为在空窗期，所以比较会静下来思考吧！

为了梦想，所以很努力地在准备考试，很努力的耐心等待

如果说最难受的感觉是什么，那就是无限期等待，该继续保持希望还是就这样算了

心里不断地问自己，应该没有问题吧，一切会过去，对吧，对吧？对吧？

然后又告诉自己可以的

这样不断地循环

然后隔天醒来，生活会告诉你，不用想那么多，做就对了

来到熟女时期，常常会问自己如果把我所有会的东西丢掉，我还剩什么？我又能做什么？

有没有一种社会定律会要求什么年龄该做什么事？

身边很多朋友都结婚生孩子了

对我来说，一旦有家庭，大概人生就进入稳定期，接下来就是很幸福稳定地生活

围绕着的不就是家庭人际关系相处，孩子，家庭规划，偶尔谈论下工作

大概接下来的几十年都是那么地在预期范围里

因此，青春才那么珍贵，因为那么地无法预期与精彩

我不想那么稳定却也觉得平淡幸福的踏实感很不错

所以突然觉得有点迷失，也觉得自己很贪心，想那么地无法预期也想有平凡的幸福

不管如何

我喜欢人与人之间的机遇

有一天突然觉得

如果只是专注地医病，大概工作会很沉闷

如果是医人，那每天都会有很多无法预期的事发生，医院就像人生图书馆

什么书都有，认真去阅读每一本和我有缘的书，真的很不错

每份工作，我发现如果把专注力都放在与人的机遇上，大概都会很有动力

老师专注教育学生，可以改变很多故事结果

歌手唱歌是为了温暖人心，会有很多感动作品

演员演戏为了启发观众，会激起很大的涟漪

银行职员为了好好帮大众管理钱财，会意想不到地帮助很多人

我希望自己继续保持一个很新鲜的角度来看这个世界

不想做个入世很深或久了的成年人，然后对年轻人说出一些成年旧句

到了这年龄，我的未来还非常地不稳定

感觉还在找一个答案

只想对自己说，加油，相信就会有答案！

We can be tough and scared at the same time, can't we?

Proof is easy, faith is a hard damn work.

Another year growing up

Today my friends ask me do I feel contented up to this age during my birthday celebration. Do I regret for the life that I have right now?

I am blessed to answer Yup I feel happy about my life and I am grateful for what I am having now though I haven't had a car, house, proper job, husband or a big amount of money in my bank account.

This is a very blissful feeling.

Throughout the years I think I am more calm and steadier.

Shits just didn't kick in without reasons and it will be fertilizers when we settle it with right attitude.

Thanks for everything. Let the wisdom grows.

My Forensic elective posting

I never ever plan to do forensic medicine as my elective, even a flash of though in my mind.
I think of palliative care, neurology under a doctor in Dubai, cardiology under an experienced doctor I knew. However, God closed each of my choice. And coincidentally, I met with a funny forensic pathologist who always joke around during classes and made the subject interesting.

Without any choices left, I went to forensic medicine praying every day that there will be no cases. So that, I will be able to avoid the most unwanted fouling strong smell of dead body.

So, sometimes (most of the time) things went to the opposite direction.

Once, someone told me if you can excel in the thing you dislike, that's only called excellent.

I was challenging myself to see autopsy every day for almost 3 weeks which everyone will show a grimace face when mentioning it.

I prayed "no case, no case, no case, no case" once I entered the hospital area until the forensic department entrance.

Every time, I saw people gathered in front- police, friends, family members. The big truck that carried the bodies always parked in front.

If I saw no people were gathering in front of forensic department, my lips would curve until the end of my cheeks. But, soon after sitting in the meeting room, there will definitely be someone came and told me:" Kin Luoi, today got cases, just come in". Seriously????

And, I remembered "that's only called excellent". (I use this as a push for myself to be proactive in my forensic medicine posting)

My friends and I joined in every teaching sessions and attend every post-mortem cases.

We saw wide variety of cases:
Skeleton ( which awed me until my jaw dropped to my chest level as by examining the skeleton we can have some ideas about the cause of death and its manner)

Road traffic accidents with multiple injuries as young as 16

Construction site accident with high impact injuries, one of it is the most bloody post-mortem that I see (Someone just lost his/her father that day)

Burnt dead body in a car accident who required to be identified

Decomposed bodies ( I told my friend I will break my own life record if I go down in the decomposed body autopsy as the smell is stringent and 10 times higher concentration of usual autopsy smell, and I break my record)

Sudden death as young as 2 months old.

Gunshot dead.

Strangulation.

Today, one pregnant mother was knocked down by a car when crossing road. I hold my breath and calm myself when seeing the little fetus was taken out of the uterus. Telling myself to be professional, learning my anatomy, learning about the wound, think about the cause of death, asking relevant question and put away my emotion first. Be fair to every case.

And, today is my last day in forensic.

End of the day, I go to have a better dinner with my friends as a celebration of our posting completion.

Then, I think of every cases I saw and I thank all the victims for the learning opportunity. And, I think about life. How worse can it be? I think about death. Life and death can be in 1 sec distance.

I think there must be a reason for everything happens. I am kind of more opened to what bad things happen in my life.

May my prayers soothe the souls.
Lessons I learn in this interesting posting:
Aging is a blessing.
Road is much more brutal than a desperate tiger.
Hatred can kill someone mercilessly
Accident has no warnings
Love life
Learning to see good things in every day even in a bad day.

And I have not regret to do forensic medicine as my elective. Some more, I admire and respect all the forensic pathologist for their dedicated contribution and their tolerance to the strong smell.

Life goes on.

2016

My resolution in 2015:
1) Treat the patients better and continue to improve my clinical skills. Don't be demotivated no matter how bad the situation is. Improve my English by learning a new word each day.
2) Join the stroke support group once per month.
3) Learn to play 3 new songs for my guitar.
4) Continue my marathon training (at least once per week). If there is chance to join 50km, do it!
5) Go travel (at least one country).
6) Always reflect myself.
7) Be positive!

2015 is a very mentally challenging year for me. More demotivated than the usual me, more unexpected things happen, more uncertain for myself. The biggest news would be the "RM2.6 billion donation" for Malaysia and the soaring inflation, Ringgit falls, making the living more challenging. 

Out of 7 goals in 2015, only one achieved: Join the stroke support group once per month.
I did join the ultramarathon but only manage to finish 42km. With the very limited holiday I have, I choose to spend my one-week holiday with my family. I don't even touch my guitar for the past 1 year (cry!!!!) I always battle the inside negative me. Sometimes, it's just so hard to be cheerful, to be positive even we know it's useless. Therefore, I want to make my new resolution in 2016!!!

2016, I want:
1) Continue joining stroke support and give my assistance the most as I can.
2) Pass step 2 CS
3) Be strong no matter what happens.
4) Earn money no matter what job I find.
5) Climb KK
6) Register for Japanese language class if no mqe
7) Jogging at least once per month
8) Learn guitar at least 1 song.

No matter how hard the life is, KinLuoi don't forget to ENJOY it!!!Be grateful to everything!!!

I wish:
1) All my family members are healthy and happy and we can have family trip as in 2015
2) All my friends are doing very well and happy!
3) All my patients I meet are strong to battle the disease and showered by family love and people around.
3) I can meet my Mr Right as I don't want to be alone forever~~~~

Lastly, I am still very lucky to have everything in my life. Thanks to all the patients I meet who always motivate me when I am feeling down. Thanks to my family and friends who always stay beside me to give supports and golden advice. 

Life may not be perfect, but it's perfect for us to meet anyone in life. Everything happens for a good reason!

GoGoGo!!!!

2015

My resolution in 2014:
1) Still 42 km full marathon. I won't give up this!
2) Give my very best to do well in study but not for the grade but to be a good doctor! (of course, USMLE should be done well as well).
3) Cannot stop learning guitar.
4) Be positive!

Out of the 4 main goals in 2014, I think I had reached what I set. 
2014 is a disaster year for Malaysia. More positive energy and love are needed for the country and also the world.
More than what I get from the goals, I think I am more steady and mature than the last younger me but at the same time I need more genuineness to face the real world.

My wishes for the coming new year:
1) All my family members are healthy and happy in their daily lives.
2) All friends and people around are doing well.
3) More positive and good news from the world.

My resolution in 2015:
1) Treat the patients better and continue to improve my clinical skills. Don't be demotivated no matter how bad the situation is. Improve my English by learning a new word each day.
2) Join the stroke support group once per month.
3) Learn to play 3 new songs for my guitar.
4) Continue my marathon training (at least once per week). If there is chance to join 50km, do it!
5) Go travel (at least one country).
6) Always reflect myself.
7) Be positive!

Welcome 2015!

End of Surgery Clerkship

What can happen in 2 months? Days in days out, hustle bustle, sun rise sun down, and time flies.

The first 2 months of clinical daily lives are spinning my head and I don't even have a time to have a mind rest. Studies, patients, exams occupied the whole brain.

However, the perspectives and feelings toward medicine also changed. 

The eventful clerkship is beyond words.

The first time I touch the real patient.

The first time I talk with the real patient and their families.

The first time I witness the real busy clinical setting.

The first time I feel life is so fragile.

The first time .....many of my first.

Nights can be terribly busy in emergency. People just have different reasons, different problems and happening nights.

I still remembered a crying old woman hold my hands and asked me what happen to her husband in ED. 

I still remember how people laughing in front of a dying man while doing CPR. 

I still remember the dilated pupils when I shone through it.

I still remember how frustrated I am.

I will never forget how many times I fail in venipuncture but the patients are still willing to let me try. 

First time, I feel the miracle after seeing the flat line having the signs of life by showing heart beats in the monitor after countless cycles of CPR until I was hypotensive and almost fainted. 

I will never forget the moment I saw a helpless man fell down from the high floor in front of me.

I was shocked but more my heart broke with the scene. No pulse, irregular breathing, the chaotic surrounding, life how can you be so fragile?

I will never forget on the autopsy table, the two cases of sudden death. Death, seems like can be in the next second.

To all the cancer fighters I meet in the wards, you all are really amazing. You teach me how precious the life is, you teach me how miracle can be with positive power.

To the first terminal-ill patient I take care, L, I will never forget you. From the first day you admitted until I see how happy you are while being discharged, my emotion waves with your condition. I don't know how many days remained but I hope the quality of your life will be superb and you did affect my lives in positive way. We may not meet in the future, but I will remember you always.

Nenek, you are just so strong! I like seeing you every morning and checked your wound sites and talking with you though most of the time you told me you forget what happen before. 

To all the patients I meet, thank you so much, there will be no better teacher as you. You are willing to talk with me, let me practise and brush up my clinical skills while you are in pain, in distress.

I will continue the spirit and do my very best to take care of the patients. Everyone lying on the hospital's beds is always somebody else's loved one, families and friends. They have their stories, futures and things to learn from. 

Thanks for everything.

Life goes on!! Love life and enjoy the hurdles. There will be no rainbow without raining :)

医院游走 小感想

如果说念书是痛苦的，压力的，前途好像不那么明确，考试像过万重山，面对激烈的竞争，时时学习如何与不同人相处；在医院游走了几个星期，尽管是多么难念，多么压力，每当看见病人身上插了不知几次的血管，小小年纪的病人，image study 上的肿瘤，所谓的“压力，痛苦”就会变得微不足道。

生命如此脆弱却又那么坚强。

If I said studying is torturing, depressing, stressful with uncertain future;countless endless exams with intensive competition, always need to learn to work with different kinds of people; After few weeks wandering in the hospital, despite how stressful how hard the study is, the countless venipuncture on the patients' fragile blood vessels, the young-aged patients, the tumors on the image studies, the pain making the "stressful and torturing study" becomes so trivial and tiny.

Life is so fragile yet so strong.

幸福

幸福不需要轰轰烈烈
越是平淡越是扎实
越经时间的考验

很多时候
人与人之间的情感
就是在平淡之中建立
而这份情感
那么简单，也那么窝心
一种会心一笑的感觉

听过看过担心过那么多事以后，
幸福是当身边的人都健康平安。
照顾好自己也是给人最幸福的最扎实的最实际的礼物。

我是幸福的，也一直希望身边的人也一起幸福，因为那样我才会幸福。
在困难的时候，有肩膀，有勇气！！

全世界加油！！！

Chapter 2.4 Transition

USMLE step 1 was over. Now is the transition from sitting in a classroom to rounding the wards and talking to the real patients. I wait for this for so long as it is always easy to doze off in the class though medical fundamental is important.

OK, I have been having TTW for 1 week but why do I choose to write today?
There is something strikes me today!

Dr Jul keeps repeating one sentence that strikes me:
What if the patient is your father/family, would you still hesitate to talk to the terrifying nurse? Would you want some quick pain regimen for your father who is moaning and crying over the pain?
WHAT IF THE PATIENT IS YOUR FAMILY? (And I think she repeats several times as try to explain/emphasize the point to us or remove our doubts in our discussion and try to make it easy to understand.)

She reminds me to treat the patient as our family. In some points, I almost forget this and she reminds me with repetition.

Other side notes:
S: Situation
B: Background
(More on observation)
A: Assessment (The interpretation of the observation)
R: recommendation

Don't be afraid to speak up for truth and for the best sake of the patient.
What will be the worst? It just didn't get right or may be just being scolded or feeling pretty uncomfortable for us. But, it may be very harmful to the patient if we didn't speak up if something doesn't feel so right.
From Dr Jul whom I like so much. A very energetic, lively, cute Dr!!

I am glad! :)

Go!KinLuoi!

随想

枯藤老树昏鸦，小桥流水人家，古道西风瘦马，夕阳西下，断肠人在天涯。
做了那么多年的异客，觉得这名句，写得太好了。

虽然也有不顺境的事，抬头望望天空，又会觉得变得微不足道。一个人的世界有多大？是大得只容得下自己，还是大得只容得下多几个人呢？

面对无法控制的事，有时除了无奈，就以事不关己来让自己好过一点。毕竟做自己能做的，才能向前，也少了一点唉声叹气，少了埋怨，少了对他人的不满。需要经过多少事学的才是善解包容，而不是冷漠呢？

生活没有完全的苦也没有完全的甜。甜是持续的动力，苦是成长的必需品，缺一不可。

Chapter 2.3 Exam

What I want to achieve in this so-called the most important exam, one of the most difficult exam in the world are:

1. Learn how to balance my life. A student's life is not only about knowledge, about exams, about scores and about how to make the future CV looked more impressive.

2. Learn how to strengthen and motivate myself. Learn how to convert the demotivating feelings into a strength.

3. Enjoy the excitement when knowing something or understanding something through the discussion with friends.

4. Cherish the moment when there are friends go through the hardship with me. We share the stress, we encourage each other, we speak out our mind and we try to settle all the problems together.

5. I don't want to let me have a chance to regret no matter how's the result. I want to do my best, do all what I can.

The result may be the most important outcome, but I think this exam expects more than that. It's not only testing the medical knowledge but also a student's mental strength and determination. An appropriate attitude that a future doctor should have.

Life is hard, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Too much of bad news recently. The losing MH370, the sinking Korea cruise ship, the departure of Karpal Singh. They are all very discouraging. Praying is the only thing that I can do and hope is always the one that keeps me going.

I registered 42km for this year Standard Chartered Marathon. And I run for everyone who doesn't give up their dreams and always want to make this world a better world.

GoGo KinLuoi!!!

Chapter 2.2 Balance. Pause.

USMLE is approaching. Nervous is ordinary. Calmness should be worried.
I don't want to have academic bulimia. I don't want to just study for exam.
As I walk longer in the pathway, I scared I forget the the very first reason of my determination of studying medicine.
Looking all the patients who came in and shared their illness with us in the class, the courtesy is beyond return.
I scared, as I walk longer in the pathway, I forget to treat a patient as a whole.
I scared, I cannot reason out the patient's chief complaint.
I scared, I forget all the physiology and basic science which is the medicine very important fundamentals.
I scared, I cannot be a good doctor.
Yes, I am scared.

As I run alone in a half marathon in March. I felt bored.
I suddenly cannot enjoy the running feel, the feel which people around run together with you.
I ended up following a very old man all the way until 20 km.
He was determined. Keep looking at his watch. Trying to reach the finishing line within the targeted time.
I tried to get the running spirit from him.
He was the only motivation in my run.

Days in, days out. There are some times we suddenly forget to think.
I don't want to be a live machine.

So, balance is important:
Nervous vs calmness
Exam vs study for knowledge
Fear vs courage
Working hard vs resting

Pause. Stopping for awhile and starting again refreshingly!

Go!Kin Luoi!